The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus                                           by Wred Fright (Excerpt from a serial zeen novel soon to be re-released by ULA Press.) Part #1: Meet The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus b/w (You're So) Theodorable "Funnybear's already spilled beer all over the amps, And tomorrow we'll have headbanging neck cramps." Intro--Theodorable The house still throbs so I knock louder. The door shakes, the window rattles, and the porch hiccups beneath me. It sounds like a bomb going off repeatedly inside there, but it's probably just the stereo turned up way way too loud. I give up on knocking and decide to wait until the noise ends. How long can you keep up a racket like that anyway? If it's a song, it has to end sometime and I'll knock then. In the meantime, I look around. The house is a little beat up but it's in a nice neighborhood. Residential, almost suburbia. Not where I'd expect to find a room for rent or college students living. I hope it works out. I sure need a happy ending for today. Whew! It's hot! Didn't I tell the guy on the phone that I'd be right over? Didn't I tell him that I had to find a place today? Wait! Is this the right address? Fungoo! I check the address again. 666 Cobain. I look at the mailbox. 666 Cobain. That sound is driving me crazy! I don't want to drive all the way back home. I don't want to go back to the student union and start all over looking at the flyers for who needs a roommate. I don't want to go back to the place I was supposed to live at this year and roast weenies over the smouldering timbers. But I also don't want to stand here on somebody's porch listening to a neverending fart with a backbeat either. O.k., you can be loud, I can be louder. I go back to the car and lean on the horn. It doesn't take long for the neighbors to look out their doors and windows but there's no response from 666 Cobain. One old guy from a couple houses down comes outside and shakes his fist at me, and I let the horn go. I get out, my ears still ringing from the horn, and yell, "Sorry, my horn got stuck!" The old guy rolls his eyes, lifts both arms up, waves both hands down, and shrugs, dismissing me. He goes back inside and I hope he's not looking for a gun. I head back up to the porch pronto and note the rumble from inside the house reverberates on. Some of the other neighbors watch me as I smile, whistle, and swing my arms, banging my fist of one hand into the open palm of the other hand while I think of plan B. Meanwhile, the cacophony continues from inside 666 Cobain. After I think the last neighbor has quit freakwatching, I try yelling this time. I put my mouth up against the window and bellow, "Hello!" I can hear myself. Unfortunately I can also hear the bombast from inside the house. The shades are drawn so I can't see anything. I wonder if anyone's home. I try the door. It's locked. The handle pulses in my hand. I hold onto it, and with my other hand, I process some frustration. "Hello!" Wham! "Is!" Whack! "Anybody!" Bop! "Home?" Bloop! "I!" Boom! "Came!" Pop! "About!" Tink! "The!" Boff! "Room!" Boop! "For!" Whampaloomie! "Rent!" Crack! The door falls off the hinges and on top of me. I drop back from the surprise until there's no more porch to drop back onto and then I tumble over the railing into some bushes. The door falls on top of me, palookaing me in the head. I lie there in the bushes for a moment with the door on top of me, and wonder why the sky is blue, but then I remember who I am and what I'm doing and I try to get out of the bushes, but the door is stuck in the bushes too and it keeps slapping me hard in the head, the arm, the leg, the ass, and the back as I flail around. Finally I roll right and land out of the bushes. Face down but out of the bushes. I am kissing the grass with happiness when the door conks me on the back of the head. I roll over, grab the door with both hands, and stand up holding it over my head like it's the Ten Commandments and I'm Moses about to dash it on the rocks. It's then I realize that it's very very quiet. Quite quiet. A bird tweets. I turn around to the house, still holding the door over my head. A tall, thin man in skintight, red vinyl pants and wearing nothing else but clutching an electric bass guitar is standing on the porch, looking down at me in the yard hefting the door about to pull a Heston. I say hi. Verse--George Jah I'm just happy he's not a cop. Those fascists already came by once today and tried to oppress us. They let us off with a noise violation warning so now we have to practice with all the windows and doors closed and only one little air conditioner chugging away in the practice room. And in this heat. I think they're trying to kill us. America doesn't respect its artists. No wonder this country's in a bad state. Unimaginative cops and bureaucrats run it instead of geniuses like myself. I explain this to the new guy while we fix the door. He keeps apologizing. Not for America but for the door. I tell him it's all right, but I don't tell him that Funnybear breaks it almost every night. After we fix the door, I take him back to the practice room and introduce him to the band. He says he's never heard of The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus. I tell him that's o.k. We've never heard of him before today either. Funnybear is hulking behind the drums but is so excited at the prospect of someone new to borrow money from that he crawls out from behind them, puts on the high-pitched cartoon voice, and says when I introduce them, "Ted, want to do a shot with me? Of course, you do, son! You like Dead Crow whiskey!" I steer the new guy to Alexander while Funnybear gets the shotglasses he saves for special occasions like Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Alexander is preoccupied fiddling with the controls on his keyboard but he's pleasant enough and seems to like the new guy unlike Jon Lenin who is pouting and keeps playing his guitar loudly to indicate he's not happy that practice has been disrupted. When I introduce them, the new guy says, "Hey! Are you named after . . ." but Jon Lenin cuts him off with a curt "No" and turns away. I point out quickly that Jon Lenin is the one member of the band who doesn't live in the house, and then Funnybear's back with the shots. Praise be. We do the shots and then I give the new guy a tour of the house while the rest of the band works on the reggae version of "Louie, Louie" we do to kill time when somebody breaks a string or something. Chorus--Theodorable I schive the bathroom. It doesn't look like anybody's cleaned it for a long time. Between that and the Jon Lenin jerk, I'm almost ready to walk right out and try the next place, but then I remember that there is no next place. Anyway, the jerk doesn't live here, and schiving the bathroom sure beats sleeping in the car or going home to listen to Mom and Dad argue about why exactly I didn't listen to them and just live in the dorms again this year. The other guys seem all right in any case. Funnybear's a big guy, and kind of wacky, so I guess that's where he got that nickname from. At least I think it's a nickname. Alexander Depot seems cool. I've seen him on campus before. He's the guy that always wears a shirt and tie and has glasses, and looks like a businessman from the 1950s. I always thought he was a door-to-door Mormon or an ultraconservative College Republican but I guess he's a rock and roller who just dresses like a door-to-door Mormon or an ultraconservative College Republican. That's pretty bizarre but George Jah already takes the bizarre prize. He gives me a tour of the house but carries his bass guitar with him on the tour. Not to mention the skintight red vinyl pants, and the constant stream of impassioned rants. I listen to him rail against the government, Roll State University, his ex-girlfriend, big business, his bandmates, and several other entities as he guides me through the house. The downstairs of the house has the schivable bathroom, the kitchen (almost as filthy as the bathroom), a storage area/entrance chamber leading out to the back steps (the backyard is nice and has a trampoline for some reason), the dining room, the band practice room, and the living room. At one end of the living room is the stairs to the top floor, which has all four bedrooms and no bathroom. We go clockwise and George shows me Alexander's room (a mess), his room (messier), and Funnybear's room (messiest) but they're all nice-sized. We arrive at a closed door and George says "This room will be yours." I wait for him to open it up but he just heads back downstairs. Uh, I just stand in front of the door. Well, it looks like a very nice door. I try the handle. It's locked. Something heavy hits the door from the other side about where my face is. I recoil from the thump and a shrill female voice yells, "Leave me alone or I'll have your sausage for breakfast tomorrow!" I retreat downstairs. George is sitting on the couch in the living room staring at the television. On the television is George picking his nose. He picks his nose, pulls his finger out of his nose, looks at his finger and gasps. Then he puts his finger back in his nose and the scene repeats itself. Over and over again. "Um, my room appears to be occupied," I say. "Yeah, that's the previous tenant. She's leaving," George says, then adds in a conspiratorial whisper, "She's a witch. She doesn't pay her rent. We hate her." "She's a witch?" "Yeah, she can cast spells and everything, but mostly she just sits in her room and watches cable television." George goes back himself to watching himself on tv. "Is she moving out tonight? I thought you said on the phone that I could move right in." George keeps looking at the television, and says, "Well her move out is in progress. Until we get her out, you can sleep in the practice room." "Until we get her out? She's being evicted?" Still looking at the tv, he says, "She doesn't pay her rent and she's annoying, so yes she's being evicted." "I don't know man, when's she moving out?" George picks up the remote control and the image of him picking his nose disappears. Ecstatic static fills the screen. He sighs, finally looks at me, and says in an exasperated tone, "Look we're working on it, o.k.?" He turns his attention back to the television and asks, "Do you think it would be cool if I could pull static out of my nose in that video?" I don't say anything. I think about being turned into a swine and the witch having my sausage for breakfast, or going home to Mom and Dad saying guess what, the place I was going to live this year, it's not there anymore. "So, do you want to move in or not?" George says. Verse--Alexander Depot I need a cigarette. I need a cigarette. I need a cigarette. I will not smack Lenin in the head with my keyboard. I need a cigarette. I need a cigarette. "Ciggie break!" I call. Lenin keeps up his glam rock guitar hero poses like he hasn't heard me. That faker isn't that deaf yet. I look at Bear. He's bored but still keeping the beat. Fine. I set the keyboard part to loop and head out the door. I run into Jah and the prospect he was showing around the house. Ted, I think. I don't pay much attention because they usually don't come back. "Hey," Jah says, "Good news, he's decided to move in." I am frightened. I thought for sure Ted would go running and screaming out the front door like the others. He looks normal enough to have done so. Shorts, t-shirt, standard American male summer dudemode. Perhaps it's deception on Jah's part. "Did you tell him about the once and future tenant Jah?" Jah's face tightens, "Yes." "Very good, Jah." A linguistic pat on the head for the good doggie. I look at Ted, there's no insane glint in his eyes, hmm . . ., "So you don't mind staying in the practice room for a couple of nights while we get her out?" "No, that's fine. I just need a place to live since school starts tomorrow." Ah, desperation, that explains it. "Now she'll have to leave," Jah adds. "Care to join me in a ciggie break on the front porch gentlemen?" Jah doesn't answer. Very Jahlike. Instead, he says, "What are they doing in there?" pointing with his thumb at the practice room. "I don't know Jah. I don't know." Jah is attempting to get me back in the practice room. Must resist. Don't look him in the eyes. Don't look him in the eyes! Need cigarette! I head out. Ted comes onto the front porch with me. Smart boy. I get a ciggie out and light it. Ah! I offer Ted one but he declines. I hope he's not a militant nonsmoker who's going to get on me about smoking in my room. The witch tried that but I just started talking about President McKinley ("Did you know that President McKinley was from Canton, Ohio, not far from where we are now? Did you know that he was born in Niles, Ohio, also not far from where we are now? Did you know that they built him an impressive memorial after he was assassinated? Did you know that he was assassinated by an anarchist from Cleveland named Leon Czolgosz, who may have been trying to impress fellow anarchist, as well as free love advocate, Emma Goldman? Did you know that teen anarchists sometimes chalk circle A anarchist symbols on McKinley's memorial? Did you know that McKinley campaigned from his front porch? That he beat William Jennings Bryan twice?") until she went away. It pays to be able to rapidfire out a litany of mindnumbing obscure facts about historical figures. "So," I say to Ted as I lean against a railing, noticing that the bushes beneath it are all trampled, probably Bear bushdiving again, "Are you ready to live in this nuthouse?" "Well the house I was supposed to live in this school year burned down so it's either here or my car," he tells me. "Man, I'm sorry. What happened?" "I don't know. Everything was fine until a couple of days ago. I just pulled up this morning and everything wasn't fine. I got the newspaper and it said no one was hurt, but I don't know where my roommates are." "Bummer. Did you lose any stuff?" "No, I hadn't moved in yet. Everything's in my car." "Well, that's good." "Yeah, I'm just happy to have found a place to live so that I can get the semester started right." "What year are you?" "I'm a junior. English major." "English! You're worse than I am. I'm history education." "It's not that easy." "Well, you're better than Bear anyway. He's communication which as far as I can tell just means he knows how to watch tv really well. He was in physics but he switched because all the labtime cut into his drinking." "Let me guess, George is film." "Kinda, he's art since Roll State doesn't have a film program officially. Why? Did he show you one of his videos already?" "Yeah." "You'll see more. In fact, you'll probably be often drafted into appearing in them." "What year is everybody?" "We're all seniors, but I'm the only one who's going to graduate on time. So if you like it, you won't need to find a place at the last minute next year." "It's strange here. It's not the student ghetto. It's like a family neighborhood." "It's pretty weird, I know. We rent it from some young married couple who used to live here. They're apparently trying to become real estate entrepreneurs. Although the neighborhood isn't zoned for us to be here so we're sort of illegal aliens. Mum's the word though." "What do you mean?" "Rock city council thinks college students should stay in one part of town so the fine townspeople can live in peace in the rest of town so they zone certain areas of the town so that only two nonrelated people can live together in a residence legally. It's kind of like apartheid for young and poor people of any skin color." "That's bull. Who are they to decide what's a household or a family?" Jah comes out on the porch, "We're a family. Alexander's the dad. I'm the mom, and Funnybear is our retarded child but we love him all the same." He opens a beer, and yells, "Woo! Drink beer! I'm in college!" "So of course we try to keep a low profile and not call attention to ourselves," I say to Ted. Chorus--Theodorable The first night in a new place is always weird. I swear houses, and places overall, have personalities of their own. The house creaks and groans, and as I lie in the dark on my new and uncomfortable Mart Mart futon--Alexander called it a "flip and fuck" when he helped me move my stuff into the practice room and shook his head in disbelief when he heard I was going to sleep on it because I didn't have a mattress--I listen to the noises. The language of things usually eludes me but since I'm too tired to drop into sleep right away and too tired to do anything else I try to figure out what the sounds mean. As far as I can tell they don't mean anything but what does? What's meaning anyway? Boy, I can think of a lot of rot sometimes. Next I forget the sounds and concentrate on the silences inbetween since it's pretty quiet in general as I'm the only one home. The band all went to a bar, the Toon Tavern. They offered to sneak me in since I'm too young to consume alcohol in the dubious wisdom of the state of Ohio, but I smelled a disaster in the making and bowed out. I'd prefer not to start the new school year drunk and in jail. Plus it was bad enough calling my parents and explaining that I was living at a new place, I can only imagine what calling them from the clink would be like. I'm almost off to sleep when I hear someone coming down the stairs. The witch! I forgot about her. I snap to attention. I've never lived with a girl before. Well, I guess I have, but I don't really think of my Mom as a girl, so I won't count her. I've never lived with a girl before! I wonder what she looks like. I don't think I've ever met a witch before. Maybe she's not really a witch and they're just afraid of an independent female. I mean can she really be that unpleasant or does the band just not like a woman in the boys' treefort? She's in the kitchen now. Cooking something? I hear cupboards opening, the water running, pots clanging. Hmm . . . should I get a look or keep a low profile? I lie in the dark listening for awhile until my curiosity, or more likely my penis, gets the best of me and I get up. Maybe I can sneak a peek without her knowing. If she looks friendly, I'll go out and say hi. I get up and tiptoe across the floor. Then I trip on a electrical cable and stumble into an amplifier, bounce off, get my foot caught in a guitar cord, crack my knee against the bass drum, swing around, and tumble backwards, crashing into the cymbals which ring ring ring while I bumble about in the dark trying to keep my balance. I must knock the keyboard on the floor because something falls with a crash and then I hear a sample from a polka record repeatedly. I somehow manage to stay upright, but run into the bass amp, falling over it onto my Mart Mart flip and fuck, which is at least padded if not exactly soft. I lie there and sigh, looking on the bright side that I didn't impale myself on a microphone stand, then get up. There's no sense in trying for a quiet peep peek now so I make my way to the door following the light under it, shuffling my feet so I don't trip over anything else. I open the door. The kitchen light is still on, but no one's there. An empty box of Mart Mart mac and cheese torn from the threepack my Mom gave me this morning sits on the counter and there's a small pile of the cheese powder spilled on the floor. It's dark in the rest of the house. I get a drink of water, clean up the cheese powder, confiscate the box for evidence, shut the kitchen light, shut up the keyboard, and trip into sleep. Middle Eight--Karen Tinseltown Me and Meg at the Toon Tavern Cool inside, dark as a cavern I read a cartoon on the wall In walks George Jah, still cute and tall Meg tires, goes home, but I stay there I'll catch a ride with Funnybear But at last call, no Bear in bar Maybe outside, nope, just his car Verse--Funnybear Funnybear likes pinball. Funnybear likes beer. Funnybear likes drinking beer while playing pinball. Funnybear is at the Toon Tavern, drinking with Alexander, George, and some shluts. But then there is just one shlut, and she has eyes only for George, so Funnybear uses beer logic. A sillyogism: All men are shluts. George is a man. Therefore George is a shlut. Therefore there is no more sense hanging around the Toon Tavern trying to hook up. Therefore Funnybear goes to the bar down the street, The Trough, and plays pinball. Capital Punishment is the name of the new game. Funnybear gets a beer and change. Funnybear tilts on the first ball. Funnybear tilts on the second ball. Funnybear calms down and gets the electric chair on the third ball. Funnybear gets another beer and more change. Funnybear gets a lethal injection on the first ball. Funnybear gets a hanging on the second. Funnybear tilts on the third. Funnybear plays again. Funnybear gets a firing squad on the first ball, and a legal murder bonus. Funnybear gets a guillotine multiball on the second ball. And the heads roll and Funnybear keeps them in play long enough for a public execution! Funnybear gets on death row with the third ball, which hole will it drop in, first degree, second degree, third degree? First degree murder! A bonus ball gets Funnybear the gas chamber! Funnybear's out of money. Funnybear sees some members of local bands Sheepish Grin and Art School and they offer Funnybear a beer from their pitcher. Funnybear accepts and charms them enough that they give Funnybear some more change for pinball. Funnybear drinks some hemlock on the first ball. On the second ball Funnybear gets screwed by the legal system and falls in the poor minority represented by an incompetent public defender chute. On the third ball Funnybear gets the executioner deadly double and scores another guillotine multiball, but someone from the local band The Darrow Dregs or maybe from the local band Armadillo--Funnybear is unsure--buys Funnybear a shot, which is good, except after drinking it Funnybear has to puke and his "Off with their heads!" roll past the idle flippers. Funnybear pukes in the bathroom piss trough. Dudes keep pissing while Funnybear pukes so Funnybear aims for them with his vomit trails. They leave and so does Funnybear. Funnybear has a vague plan of beating those dudes' asses, but they're gone when Funnybear gets outside so Funnybear keeps walking and heads for home. Funnybear pukes again in the industrial district on the way home, but Funnybear feels good in Funnybear's neighborhood. The house is dark and no one is home. Funnybear weighs watching porn or playing drums. Playing drums. Funnybear says fuck the police. Funnybear goes to the practice room. Funnybear likes playing the drums. Chorus--Theodorable I dream I'm in a discotech. The beat just keeps getting louder and louder and I keep having to dance faster and faster. Eventually, I'm just shaking involuntarily to the force of the rhythm. Finally I can't keep up and it feels like I'm falling apart from the sound. I just stare at the white ceiling of the disco and try to hold myself together. It's then I realize that I'm not dreaming. The light is on in the practice room. Funnybear is playing the drums. He's playing some sort of hip hop dancebeat. I lie still on the flip and fuck and with my right hand feel for my watch among the debris of my clothes from the day before. I find it and look at the time. It's 2:15. Fungoo! Did I really sleep into the afternoon and miss all my classes? Thank God for Funnybear or I would have missed the whole day! Then I notice that outside the window, it's dark. I try to keep pretending that I'm still dreaming, but it doesn't work. I'm awake and it's really the middle of the night and someone is really playing the drums really loudly a few feet from my head. I am not a violent man, but I quickly plan in detail how exactly to shove the hi-hat up Funnybear's asshole, then I get up. Funnybear stops playing. He seems surprised to see me, then he breaks out laughing. He comes from behind the drums, apologizing profusely, "Dude, I am so sorry. I forgot you were here. I didn't mean to fuck up my boy. My bad, dude. I sorry. I been drinking." He actually looks sad, so I don't shove the hi-hat up his anus. Yet. I say it's all right and he gets happy and wants to do a shot with me. My natural impulse is to decline, but I think again, realizing I may need some alcohol to get through this night without killing anyone. I do a shot and Funnybear does three. Then we each drink a beer and talk about school tomorrow. Funnybear chows on some crackers out of the box, and then we say ciao. He stumbles upstairs like a stampede, and I go back to the flip and fuck. I no sooner lie down then I hear a loud boom from upstairs. I head upstairs slowly, turning on lights along the way, so I don't trip like earlier tonight. I don't hear anything else on my way up. When I get up there, Funnybear is lying unconscious and naked in his doorway. I try to wake him up, but he's out. He's still breathing and seems to be fine. I don't really want to tuck a big naked guy into bed so I just grab a sheet from his bed and throw it over him and head downstairs, shutting lights on the way, glancing askance at the door to the witch's room. In the living room, Alexander and George are coming in the front door, "Hey," I say. "Hey!" they say. Then Alexander says, "Is Funnybear here?" "Yeah, he's passed out upstairs." George looks at Alexander, "I told you. He did that before." Alexander says, "Well aside from having to walk home, I guess it wasn't that bad. At least he was smart enough not to drive." "It's not that, he just got so drunk he forgot he drove and walked home. Tomorrow he'll be wondering where his car is," George says, shaking his head. "Oh fuck," Alexander says and shuts off the living room light. "What?" I say. "Get down, get down, it's the cops" Alexander says from somewhere in the dark. George and I hide behind the couch, but not before I smack my shin on it. I can vaguely make out Alexander crouching nearby behind the easychair. "Why are we hiding?" I whisper to George. "It's the cops, why do you need a reason?" he whispers. "Did Funnybear do anything?" Alexander whispers across the living room, his voice seeming to crawl across the floor as flashing red and blue lights bounce off the walls. "Uh, he woke me up by playing the drums," I whisper, "That's all I know." "That's enough for a noise violation," George whispers. "What do we do?" I whisper. "Just wait it out. Don't answer the door," Alexander whispers. "What?" I whisper. "If we don't answer the door, and the noise is gone, there isn't much they can do," Alexander whispers. "Nobody's home," George whispers, lowering himself under the couch. "They have to know somebody's home, the kitchen light is on, the dining room light is on, and so's the light in my room" I whisper. "We like big nightlights and we're deep sleepers," George whispers, disappearing under the couch. "What if they kick the door in, and find us hiding in the living room," I whisper. "Is it against the law to sleep fully-clothed behind furniture in the living room?" George whispers between the couch cushions, "I think not." "The plush fabric and ass smell of the easychair cures my insomnia officer," Alexander whispers from somewhere in the living room. The sound of footsteps on the porch hushes us. In the window, a flashlight shines. A voice on the police radio crackles. A knock knocks. Coda--Theodorable The cop keeps knocking. I think George falls asleep under the couch because I hear a light snoring from under there. Only my foot falls asleep behind the couch. Welcome to The Pornographic Flabbergasted Emus' house I think. The cop keeps knocking. The house doesn't throb in response. It breathes quietly like us. The cop keeps knocking. "I know you're in there," he sings over and over. "Remember that melody!" Alexander whispers from somewhere in the living room. The cop keeps knocking.